As you are probably aware, I love
to hate things. I especially love to express why I hate them. As you are also
probably aware of, the easiest thing to hate currently, is reality TV, and more
specifically, ‘talent shows.’ These two concepts collide in this article, in
one incoherent, incomprehensive, unstructured, potentially offensive rant. You
should have seen this coming...
There appears to have emerged a
pattern in the Devlin household over recent weeks. Every Saturday night, the
family settles in front of the television with dinner to watch The Voice;
providing sustenance to our bodily functions while watching literal crap which
makes us want to immediately return our in-the-process-of-being-digested food
to our plates in the quickest and most unsatisfying way possible; hereby,
defining ‘multitasking’. This is not the only recurrence. After roughly ten
minutes into the crapfest each week, I am exiled from the living room. My
crime; making one too many cynically snide remarks about everyone and
everything in relation with reality television. My punishment; being forced to
do something useful/fun.
First off, it’s worth pointing
out that reality TV, in fact, does not exist. It is an advert; an illusion cast
over the TV-watching populace by the types of big-shot TV network executives
who light their Cuban cigars with burning £50 notes while guffawing and shaking
hands with each other over a manipulation job well done. It cannot exist. Yes,
the people you see on your telly screen do actually exist and, yes, perhaps
what occurs in ‘real-time’ might not be scripted, but it is still not reality.
This is because of the editing process. In editing, the producers can use and
change a variety of camera angles and shots, musical cues, snippets of
interviews here and there, sound effects etc, all of which influence your opinion
of the person or situation. Would that specific person’s story be less touching
if Sigur Ros’ Hoppipolla wasn’t
playing in the background? You think what the producers want you to think.
There is no personal input. Reality TV should consist of infinite possibility,
only limited by the scope and imagination of the viewer. The reality (lol) is
that reality TV is a linear road, along which everyone must travel in the exact
same way. There is also the factor that the people on our screens may be
lies, a character portrayed to gain our approval and affection, with their true
face deeply hidden behind a likable exterior. Reality TV is an impossibility.
Now to the morality of the thing.
One of the things I most despise about being alive in general, is when people
say to me that something is their ‘guilty pleasure.’ I really hate this. Either
accept it as a pleasure, as something you enjoy. Don’t feel guilty about
enjoying yourself, unless it’s something harmful, then instead of enjoying
yourself while doing it and adding a few headaches of guilt along the way, don’t
do it. It’s actually really, really simple. It’s as black and white as that.
One of the most common ‘guilty pleasures’ is watching reality TV shows. The
term ‘guilty pleasure’ seems to act as some form of justification for watching
it; they’re basically saying ‘I know it’s malicious, stupid, mind-numbing,
scripted, superficial, shallow, obsessed with humanity’s flaws, and
money-grabbing, but it’s okay because it’s kinda’ entertaining, in a brainless
way.’ That’s another term associated with reality TV which infuriates me; ‘brainless
entertainment.’ Understandably, I have no quarrel with the first word, it’s the
second I dispute and for which I provide an antithesis. Have we really
descended, as a species, to the point where we find hopelessly deluded, yet
innocent, social exclusions coming onto our screens to simultaneously be
humiliated in front of millions of people while having their only dream, their
only solace in their lives, snatched away from them, spat on, thrown to the
ground, stamped on, and laughed at by the British populace, entertaining? Do we
really want to watch some arrogant ‘LAD’ take off his shirt and molest an
audience of thousands with his repulsively disillusioned sexuality? And then
vote for him so he can do the exact same thing next week? Do we really want to encourage people that
these judges are actually important and interesting individuals? After all, there
are only ever 3 types of judge on talent shows; The Good, Quiet, Relatable Man,
The Cocky, Boring Man Who Never Smiles, and lastly, The Woman Who Slept Around
A Lot And Got Lucky By Getting A Record Deal And Not A Fatal STD. The entire
thing disgusts me. These producers are parading humanity at its worst on our
television screens, proclaiming it to be entertainment, and we just lap it up.
Perhaps reality TV’s biggest crime, is convincing us that it
actually matters; that we should care about the show and the people on it. One
just needs to glance at one of the tabloid rags to see that some detestable
fool with the IQ of a shoebox getting kicked off ‘Pleaz Let Me Sing Out Loud
And Really Loudly Pleaz, Coz my Third Unkle Died 9 Years Ago’ taking page 1,
while news about further massacres in Syria takes page 7. I don’t care if
your dream is to sing. My dream is to have a special metabolism which means I can eat
all the Mini Cheddars I want, and never have to care about imploding. It’s not
going to happen. I’ve come to terms with that. (At least after a rather
extended mourning period) Your dream probably isn’t even to sing. It’s most
likely to have lots of money, sex and drugs, and singing seems the way to
achieve this goal with the minimum requirement of effort needed. God, I hate you
hypothetical contestant.
Depressing as it might seem, maybe this isn’t the
worst of humanity. Ladies and gentlemen, I bid you welcome to post post-modern humanity. John Sullivan posits; ‘Are we so raw? It must be so. There are simply too many of
them-too many shows and too many people on the shows-for them not to be
revealing something endemic. This is us, a people of savage sentimentality,
weeping and lifting weights.’
Yaaaaaaayyyyyy...
The future looks bright.
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